Losing Grip
by Take-A-Look-Through-My-Eyes
Summary: Luna is always touching things. Every time she walks down the corridors her fingers brush the wall. She's also constantly...hurting herself. Not severely but still pinching herself, digging her nails into her hands and arms, biting her lip… Not that Draco was really paying attention. He just wants to know why she does it. ...'Cause it's so annoying.
1. Chapter 1

Luna Lovegood is always touching things. Every time she passes Draco in the corridors, her fingers brush the wall as she mindlessly skips. He can't help but watch her for a minute then forget where he was headed. When he sees her in the library, both of her hands are out, grazing the books on the shelves on either side of her. Not even looking like she was searching for a specific book. And it always seemed to happen while he was trying to study. When she's in class with him she takes her wand out from behind her ear and is constantly twirling it in her hands, thumbing at the smooth curves at the bottom. He tries to tell himself that was the reason he had failed his last Charms exam.

Normally, someone wouldn't give these simple gestures a second thought, so why did Draco? It was just so irritating. It was interfering with his life. But if he tried to justify this to anyone they would think he was crazy. Or worse: think he fancied Looney. He decided to try to ignore it.

Easier said than done. He shared most of his classes with her and she was hard to miss. More than once he had to restrain himself from standing up and shouting, "ENOUGH ALREADY!" But after a while he started noticing more. She always seemed to daydream but one day when she seemed particularly out of it, she dug her nails into her palm. And then her arm. Draco stared at her, perplexed. What was that about? He saw her take a couple of deep breaths and look around the Ravenclaw table. She was sitting alone on her end of the table so no one else noticed. When her eyes landed on him she smiled sheepishly. His eyes widened and he ran out of the Great Hall.

He did his best to ignore the nagging thoughts he had about the ditzy blonde but to no avail. He lay awake in the Slytherin dormitory, staring at the canopy of his bed. Why had she hurt herself? Why did she seem so scared? Why did he care?

He threw the covers off of himself and, putting on his robe, left the room. He didn't really know where he was going but he knew he wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon so he kept walking. He knew these corridors well by this point, being a 6th year, so he didn't need any light. Good thing too, because Filch could be anywhere and the people in the paintings are snitches. It would be a 1st year mistake and Draco was more cunning than that.

He walked up the stairs and into the owlery. The only time he could allow himself to visit this place was at night. Otherwise anyone could be up here: a professor, a younger student, or god forbid, Potter or one of his friends. There was a chill in the air and he could hear the howl of what he assumed was a werewolf. But he didn't mind. He liked the fresh air and the infinite stars just for his eyes. A particular sharp gust of wind rushed at him as he sat on the ledge and he thought he was losing his mind. It smelled like a mixture of fresh soil, clover, and sweets. He knew only one person that held that unique scent...and she happened to be lying on the ledge on the opposite end.

Luna was leaning against a pillar with her legs outstretched along the railing, one ankle tucked under the other. She wore an oversized, fluffy blue sweater and a short skirt to match. His eyes followed her legs to see she was wearing green/blue tights and silver ballet flats. Looking back to her face, he saw that her hair was pulled back in a purple bow and she wore her odd radish earrings. None of this seemed to be tasteful or go together in any way but it somehow worked on her.

She smiled when she caught his eye. "Hello, Draco." Her voice was barely heard. For a moment he tried to pretend that he hadn't seen or heard her but knew it was fruitless. He curtly nodded, not looking her way. "Lovegood." From the corner of his eye he could see her climb down and slowly make her way toward him. He started to back away and nonchalantly exit but she stopped and laid down in the middle of the floor, her blonde hair sprawled around her.

"You don't have to leave. I just couldn't sleep. I envy these beautiful creatures." She pointed above her and Draco glanced up and saw dozens of dozing owls in the rafters. "But, of course, if I had such an enchanting view I wouldn't be able to sleep here either. Then again, if I had wings I wouldn't want to sleep. Because I could go wherever I please and every moment I was awake would be like a dream. What dream would you like to fulfill, Draco?" She had been so lost in her ramblings that he thought she had forgotten he was even there and was about to make his escape.

He sighed. "I don't know what you're mumbling about, Lovegood, but I don't live in your ditzy dreamland. I live in the real world where not everything is unicorn horns and fairy wings. A world where there happens to be darkness and war and evil that is all-too familiar… So snap out of it for once in your life and wake up to reality." He started walking away.

"I don't know what that is anymore," came her soft voice. He stopped, huffed out a breath, and turned around.

"What do you mean?" he asked, impatient. Luna looked thoughtful and sat up, wrapping her arms around her knees.

"I'm not sure what is real and what is made up. My mind likes to create these colorful lies to protect me from reality, which I know is bleak at best. But I have a defense mechanism that shields me from pain and sadness. Don't get me wrong, I feel sadness, I know dread, but, at times, I don't know what's real or magic." She looked up at him. "I don't know if you're real right now. I hope so. I like talking to you." Draco's eyes softened for a moment before scrunching back up again.

"Of course I'm real. It's those weird creatures you always talk about that no one's ever heard of. They're what's fake."

Luna smiled a little. "Maybe. But I have found ways to stay in the realm of reality when I have to and when to drift into a purgatory of here and 'la la land.' I can't always control it but it helps." She started drawing patterns on the floor with her fingertips. Draco knew exactly what she was talking about. That was why she was always touching things around her. The sensation told her it was real. He moved closer to her but still kept his space. Luna's head lulled to the side, a lopsided smile on her face.

"When I was born I was blind. For the first couple years of my life I relied on touch. My father had lost hope that I would ever see, but my mother never gave up. She taught me colors based on different feelings." She stood up and walked over to Draco. He backed up until his back hit the railing. She got into his personal space and, before he could say anything, she blew lightly on his neck.

"Blue. Cold feelings were always blue." She picked up a flower petal that had blown inside and brushed it lightly on his cheek. "Pink. Always soft feelings." She placed her mouth just below his chin and breathed out hot air. "Orange. Warm." He swallowed audibly. She reached up and lightly dragged her fingernails down his neck. "Red," she whispered, "Pain." Draco was in a daze and almost wanted to tell her he knew what she meant when she said she didn't know what was real. He didn't know, himself, at the moment. He didn't know why he hadn't just left her here. Or why he was letting her do this to him. But now she was walking back to the middle of the room.

"I used to have really horrid nightmares and when I woke up I didn't know if I they were still happening or if everything was okay. So I started feeling around for a sense of normalcy. Sometimes petting a soft pillow would help, sometimes it wouldn't be enough. So I started scratching at my arms or pinching myself. This assured me that I was awake. I stopped doing that after my parents saw the scars. Anyway, when my mum was killed in that horrible magical accident I was nearby and the force of the explosion knocked me out. I woke up a couple days later and I could see. None of the healers at St. Mungo's had an explanation as to how it had happened since they didn't know the experimental spell mum had used." She smiled fondly. "I may have lost my mother that day but I feel like she personally gave me the gift of sight and I cherish her gift everyday." Draco had been standing in awe at her story. So much so, that he hadn't noticed that he walked over and sat next to her.

"...So you still do it?"

She looked at him curiously. "Do what?"

"The pain thing. To help yourself know that you're awake."

"I haven't done anything drastic since I was younger. Only when it's really bad do I leave scars. But I mostly just discretely press my nails into my hand or arm or whatever is near. I do this when just simply touching things does not help." She shrugged and rested her chin on her knees. Draco stared at her, something mulling over in his mind.

"You know...you're gonna have to get that in check, the la la land thing, if you want people to stop making fun of you. You don't wanna be Looney-" he paused.

Luna giggled. "I know the name everyone gives me. And I'm okay with being Looney Lovegood. That doesn't bother me; I find it quite charming, actually. And I'm okay with dealing with my problem how I always have been. I'm quite good at helping myself when a problem arises. Not many people are willing to help." This made Draco angry.

"Well you must have _some_ friends! What about Potter and his crew? Don't they care? Are they not as saint-like as they seem?"

"Oh no, they are all wonderful friends of mine. They just don't know about my problem. I don't want to bother them in any way. I don't want to go back to having no friends at all. They are the best of friends that I could ask for."

"If they were really that great they would have noticed you were suffering." Luna rested her hand on his, successfully making Draco uncomfortable.

"I don't think of it as suffering. It's more like a little road block at times. It always keeps me on my toes and it's never boring. But I don't doubt you know what true suffering is."

"What!?" Draco was taken aback in this change of topic.

"You say that evil is "all-too familiar." You speak from experience when you talk about the dark side of the world. I feel selfish, talking about my minor inconvenience when there is a tortured soul sitting right in front of me." Draco pulled his hand back.

"I am not your...your charity case. I don't want a pity party from you of all people!" He saw the hurt expression on her face and spoke a little softer. "Look, is my home life perfect? No. My family is made up of crazies and psychos and some of them are actually pretty dangerous. But I deal with it just fine. I keep it inside so I don't draw attention to myself."

"But didn't you just tell me I should go to my friends when I'm dealing with my problem? Speak out, Draco. Your voice won't fall on deaf ears." Draco scoffed.

"In my situation, when you speak out you get shot down and told to man up… or worse. Besides, I don't have close enough friends to talk about this kind of stuff with. Do you think Zabini or Crabbe or Goyle will still look up to me if I told them what I was going through? No, instead of fearing my power they would walk all over me. It's best to keep people at a distance-" Luna wrapped her arms around him and pulled his head to her chest.

"We are more alike than you can imagine. You keep people at a distance out of fear of seeming weak. I keep them at a distance for fear of seeming crazy." Draco was a little shocked at this kind of affection he wasn't used to getting. Maybe that's why he didn't pull away. He listened to the steady rhythm of her heart and took a deep breath through his nose. There was that earthy, sweet smell again. When she spoke again, the vibrations weirdly comforted him.

"Don't push me away, Draco. We can help each other. I know how scary it can be, trusting someone. But trust me, the result is magical. You just gotta let me in." He looked up at her. She tucked her chin down and angled her head to try and look into his eyes.

"We can help each other," he repeated. The tears filled his eyes but he refused to let them escape. Luna nodded but he barely registered it because he kept staring at her lips…

No. _No._ He was not gonna kiss her. Not now…


	2. Chapter 2

It had been a week since his encounter with Luna and he hasn't spoken to her in that time. He went about his daily schedule and only occasionally thought of her. He mostly thought about that odd night, wondering if it had all been a dream. But he sometimes got a rare thought of 'I hope she's okay.' or 'Does she need help?' But he tried, he really did, to push those thoughts away and tell himself he didn't care. But he knew that was a lie.

He found himself searching the Ravenclaw table for the petite blonde but then tore his eyes away when he spotted her. Today he was ready to do just that, but she was nowhere to be found. That was odd. She never missed dinner when they were serving pudding. He tried to tell himself that there could be multiple reasons for her absence but there was a nagging voice in the back of his mind that told him something was wrong.

He got up from his seat, nonchalantly, and walked up the flights of stairs, to the owlery. But instead of seeing the familiar unruly blonde hair, all he caught was a few feathers that floated down from the rafters. He _hmph_ 'd and descended the stairs once more. He checked the library and no one was in there except a fair few people scattered about, studying. He scanned the Great Hall once more and then the a few corridors. Draco started getting frustrated and didn't even know why he bothered searching. But by now he was desperate and even asked a couple people in the portraits if they'd seen the girl.

"Oh, that lovely girl that always stops to talk to us!" exclaimed a Victorian woman in an elegant painting, "She wasn't much for talking when she scurried up the stairs earlier. Head down and kept to herself, poor thing. I think she was going up to her dormitory." Draco wanted to slap his forehead for being so stupid. "Okay, thanks," he mumbled.

"Do please make sure she's okay, young man!" the woman called after him, "Oh, she is lucky to have someone like you to care about her, so." He pretended to not hear her as he sprinted upward. When he almost arrived at the top he stopped. What was he doing? She was most likely IN her dormitory. What, was he going to break in? And then what? He was about to turn around when he heard someone taking deep breaths, almost sobs. He walked up the remaining stairs until he was in front of the door. And right in front of it was none other than Luna Lovegood. She sat on the floor, knees pulled up to her chest and head resting on them. She was breathing heavily and rocking a little.

Draco felt a little uncomfortable. Should he say something? He looked around for any other Ravenclaws wanting to go in. No one in sight. They were all still probably down at supper. He took a deep breath and crouched down next to her.

"Love- Luna? A-are you alright?" Luna stiffened then peeked at him through her hair.

"...Draco?" He nodded slightly, looking into her eyes. She lifted her head up the rest of the way. "You-you're real?" He almost wanted to roll his eyes. How many times does he have to tell this girl he's real? But he refrained.

"Yeah. At least I hope so." He laughed dryly. She smiled a little at that. She scooted a little closer and Draco almost fell over from his position. She lifted a hand out but stopped before touching him.

"Can I…?" He looked around again and swallowed.

"I guess." She looked as if she were going to just pat his shoulder but she seemed to change his mind and cradled his cheek. His eyes widened a little and she smiled fully.

"Ah, there you are." She laughed silently and rubbed his cheek lightly with her thumb. Draco just sat there, transfixed in how at peace she could be by just touching him.

"Thank you, Draco. That was a bad one. I tried going to bed so I could just ignore it but I couldn't even answer the riddle to get in and it got worse from there." They stood up.

"I can try to help you with the riddle if you'd like?"

"Thank you." They turned to the eagle."

"The richest man in the world cannot buy it. The poorest man could accumulate it. It is easy to obtain but hard to lose. What is it?" Draco looked puzzled and kept opening and closing his mouth. He had nothing. Luna thought for a moment and side-eyed Draco for a second then looked back at the door.

"Love?"

"That is correct. Also would have accepted 'friendship.'" The door opened.

"Thanks again, Draco." She quickly kissed his cheek before disappearing upstairs. He stood there for a moment, perplexed. He only started moving when he heard the voices of her fellow Ravenclaws approaching.


	3. Chapter 3

Draco was on the train, coming back from the Christmas holiday. He had had a particularly brutal time at home, what with his father and his 'friends' having meetings at his house. He chooses to ignore them on those days. But then there are days when his parents scream at each other so much that he loses sleep because of the thin walls. This all happened even on Christmas day. The only moment worth remembering was when his mother came into his room to give him a present, a new ink well and a quill with his name engraved in it, and kissed the top of his head before leaving. He was so fed up with the state of his home life that he snuck out of the house that day, not that they would've noticed.

He'd walked through the woods, admiring the sparkling, untouched snow that covered everything in sight. He let himself relish in a childhood fairytale and imagined Jack Frost visiting and cloaking everything in white. He allowed himself to smile slightly.

He heard the snapping of a twig and his head shot up to see a wisp of long blonde hair. He knew that hair. It was crazy; it could be anyone, but he someone felt that that was a specific head of hair. So he quickened his pace to catch up with the person. After a couple minutes of chasing a ghost he stopped to catch his breath. He looked around but all that was left was a set of footprints in the snow. He decided to follow them because why not? He got this far.

They led him to a nearby small town. After that, they disappear into the mess of people. He let out a defeated sigh. Why was he sad? It's not like he was excited to see the girl. It was just a natural curiosity. He looked behind him, then back to the town. The way he came had such a dark feel to it, filled with sour memories and disappointment. The town, although busy, seemed much more welcoming.

Turning up his collar to protect his face from the wind (and from being recognized), Draco walked along with the flowing stream of people. It was a quaint little town with various shops. There was a flower shop, a cafe, and a bookstore right in a row. He decided to pop into the bookstore to check it out. It had a cozy, cottage feel to it. He walked past row after row of books before stopping in front of the fairytale section. There was a mix of muggle stories and stories he grew up with. He had always secretly been intrigued by muggle stories but never dared to actually read them. His finger skimmed the books as he read the titles: Snow White, Hansel and Gretel, Cinderella, Little Red Riding Hood…

"Hello, Draco." Draco jumped back a couple feet. He spun around to see that his earlier suspicions were true. Luna Lovegood stood in front of him, smiling in her usual serene way. She was wearing two different overly fluffy, knitted sweaters, shorts and pantyhose, and her high tops. Her cheeks were rosy and her hair was all mussed up, suggesting she hadn't been out of the cold for long. He saw that a strand of her hair had gotten tangled up in her ridiculous Butterbeer cork necklace. He wanted to reach out and disentangle it. Maybe tuck it behind her ear…

Draco's eyes widened and he let out no more than an "Er…" before he hurried back past the shelves, ploughed through the door, and sprinted back home. He didn't look back. He made it back into his bedroom and sat on his bed with the lights off. He dared not to think about what had happened or why he had freaked out.

And now Draco was sitting alone in a compartment in the back of the train. His friends had initially tried to sit with him but he let it be known that that was not an option. He held the new quill his mother had given him in his hands and twirled it between his fingers. He was caught up in his own thoughts and didn't see the short blonde outside of his compartment. There was a light tap on the glass and Draco started, almost dropping his quill. He stood up and opened the door just enough to see her.

"What do you want, Lovegood?"

"Hello, Draco! I hope you had a good holiday. You looked lonely in there so I decided to bring you a cup of tea." He looked down to see that she did indeed have to cups of tea in her hands. "I am regretting the idea, though, seeing as the train is quite bumpy." As if to prove her point, the train lurched and the tea sloshed a bit. Draco looked back and forth to make sure no one could see them.

"Well, okay, since you're out here making a mess…" He opened the compartment door a little wider. Luna smiled widely.

"Thank you." She walked in and sat opposite the tall man, handing him a cup. "You see like a man who likes lemon in his tea. I hope that's alright." Draco tried not to show his surprise at how spot-on she was and held the cup in his hand. He didn't know how much he needed this until the warmth washed over him. He glanced up from his cup to see Luna kicking her feet and looking out the window. The sunlight glittering through the frost on the window hit her eyes just right, making them shine.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, making Draco jump yet again. "I almost forgot!" She reached into her bag.

"You've gotta stop doing that. I'm gonna have a heart attack-" He stopped abruptly when she pushed a package into his hands. It was small and square and wrapped in festive wrapping. He studied it for a moment before looking up at her.

"Merry Christmas. You didn't look too well when we met on Christmas Day. I thought this could cheer you up." She gave him a slight smile. Draco slowly and carefully pulled the wrapping off. It was a book.

"A Complete Collection of Grimm's Brothers Tales?" He couldn't believe it. He looked back up at her. She looked a little sheepish.

"You seemed to be so enthralled by their titles. I've always loved their stories. They've brought me great joy and I hope they can give you at least a little joy as well. You seem so upset and so lost most of the time. I wanted to help in any way I could. This may be a small gesture but I know it's effective."

"I-I don't know what to say." None of his 'friends' had ever given him a gift before. Well, nothing that actually mattered. They never play close enough attention. Not that he lets them. And here was Luna, a ditzy girl that approaches him without warning or hesitance, who knows more about his true self than anybody in his life. He could say that for a fact.

"I just want to see you happy. I know the world is a dark place sometimes. Sometimes it's hard to find any light. I try my best to find the happiness in the dreary moments and the goodness in the most misunderstood people. It's not hard to find it in you. It's just covered up. I have a feeling that your smile is the warmest of them all. Maybe that's why you don't show it to just anyone, because it's so special. I just thought that if I could help in bringing it out I would be extremely honored."

Draco traced his fingers along the spine of the book, eyes looking on in wonder. He looked up at her and it was obvious he was at a loss for words. He had to say something, but it wasn't that easy. Luna held up a hand.

"You don't have to say anything. It's not an obligation. Just promise me you'll read it and try to find some light." He looked at her for a long time, then nodded. Luna smiled again and looked down at the quill on the table.

"That is beautiful. Did you get it for Christmas?" Draco looked at it.

"Yeah… My mum gave it to me." Luna put her chin in her hands.

"I bet your mother is beautiful as well. I imagine her with long hair and eyes that match your own. I'll bet she is very elegant. You should tell me about her someday." She stood up. "I can see that you like to be alone and that this is kind of overwhelming. I hope we can talk again soon, Draco. I love your company." She grabbed her bag and put her hand on the door when Draco stood up as well.

"Wait." Luna withdrew her hand. Draco looked into the hall. When he saw no one he turned back to Luna.

"Er… Thank you. For everything. Um, can-can I hug...you?" Luna looked a little surprised but nodded nonetheless. Draco awkwardly put his hands on her shoulders and drew her close. He put his mouth near her ear.

"If you ever need help with your, you know, problem, come to me. I can't promise I'll be much help but I'll try." He then patted her upper back lightly and they pulled apart. She blinked up at him to make sure she had heard him right. When she saw him looking around the room awkwardly, looking embarrassed, she smiled to herself. She nodded once and left with a small wave. Draco sat down and eyed the book, then the place where Luna had been sitting. He opened the book to the first page and started reading with a little unknown smile on his face.


End file.
